Today was a gorgeous day outside. It was sunny with clear skies and I got to do lots of driving with the music cranked up. Since NPR is doing their spring fundraising they are sans any stories I'm listening to mixes. I got to tan on my lawn and read a book in the sun. It was nice.
Rewind to four days ago when I ran out of medication due to a mix up with my new insurance carrier. Since I was without medication for a few days and felt totally fine. My old doctor told me missing one day would take me into withdrawal since I'd be missing 2 strong doses. A few days in and I didn't feel any different from normal, albeit a little quick to get annoyed. Today I was tired, irritable and could feel the depression. It was like a shadow that was almost catching up to me and each time I turned around to see him he wouldn't be there.
Since I've been treating my severe depression since 15 years old I can tell when I'm on the top of the slide and slowly starting to look over the edge into the fall. I felt like that today. I give physical characterization to my depression by imagining it as a window. I am sitting inside my apartment looking outdoors. What I'm looking at isn't that important per se, but I can tell that it's light outside and it's the street where I live. When I feel fine the window is clear and just a tiny bit dirty with the usual dust that can accumulate. As I start to feel worse, tendrils form from the sides. Black, snaking arms that slowly reach towards the center of the window. It obscures what I can see, and the glass becomes opaque and warped. The worse I feel, the window gets darker and darker until eventually I can't see out of it any longer. Today the tendrils were starting to form but hadn't started reaching across the glass in any way.
I'm sure the window is metaphorical on many levels. I could probably say that I am the window. As I start to slip deeper into depression I can't see things clearly and make healthy judgments. I could probably say that the depression itself is the window. If I manage it carefully, I can keep it clear so that I can see out into the real world. If I don't manage it, things become opaque fast. I could go on, but the metaphor of the window always comes back to me every time I start to question myself.
After I got home today (from a date, errands and an eye appointment) all I wanted to do was sleep. My bed is warm and safe and I love not having to get out of it. I knew that if I got into bed I wouldn't get out of it, and 6PM is way too early to go to bed. Now that it's almost 4AM I'm tired but can't sleep. I have plans for yoga in the morning that I am ambivalent about. Getting up seems like such an effort. I would have to get dressed, drive to yoga, do it, drive home, shower, then do the rest of my day. And the day seems so long. I would rather stay in bed.
When I was able to fill my medication yesterday at Target, one of my friends who happens to work there asked me what I came in for and I told him to fill my antidepressants. He said "You? Really? You seem like you'd never need them! You're always so cheery." I replied "Oh, thanks, it's nice to hear that! They aren't a huge deal" and we went on to talk about something else. I'm glad I don't walk around looking like I have a storm cloud over my head. And most days I don't feel like I have one. I know in a few days I will even out again and the medication lapse will subside. When I went down to the lawn to read and tan I did it because I know that I usually like doing that. Today I would have rather been in bed. In a few days (tomorrow?) I'll want to go out and tan.
Back you tendrils, back!
This is a very sad posting. How long have you been on the antidepressants? I always thought that they were something you took for a year and then stopped. I tried them myself but they made me so nauseous that I couldn't even get through the day. I didn't feel as if they did anything.
ReplyDeleteI hate to be a pessimist, but do you really need them after so long? I feel like it's a lie to be medicated constantly. Perhaps you can't stop taking them because the nagging feeling of them not being their would be too much to bear.
Sorry If I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm only asking out of concern. I've been following you for some time and recall how you had to change insurers once before, but don't recall anything else about this.