Deadbeat Dad

There are some things that I'll never understand. I'll never understand why people like watching golf. I don't think I'll ever get why people enjoy math. And I certainly don't understand my dad.

When my brother Gerrit came home from his mission, the family all was going to meet at the airport to welcome him home. I wanted my parents to see my apartment since I had moved and they were going to be in Portland. Seems pretty normal, right? My dad had emailed me about something family history related, so I responded to that. I sent another email letting him know that I wanted to show him and Mom my new apartment and mentioned that I was living with Robert instead of my old roommate Jessa. That is the courteous thing to do, considering that my dad is a self-avowed homophobe. It wouldn't be thoughtful of me to just spring that on him when he walked through the door, so I wanted to let him know ahead of time. Well, he didn't write back, even when I messaged him a few more times.

Fast forward to when Gerrit actually gets in. My dad completely ignores me in the airport. He tells my mother that he said hello, but I never heard it. He doesn't make any effort whatsoever to talk to me, and of course the trip to my house doesn't materialize. Jump to the next day, where he won't sit with our family at church and refuses to talk in any group that I'm standing in. When the service lets out, he's the first one out the door and stands at the end of the hallway talking to one friend instead of in the foyer with everyone else. You know, family members and friends that are gathered for the first time together in a few years. Robert was with me, so he couldn't be bothered to be seen anywhere near us. At the family gathering just after, with our immediate family and their significant others, he wouldn't come.

Fast forward until now, and he's still refusing to talk to me. It's been almost a year since the email that I sent to him, and I have yet to get a text, phone call or email back. No response. He won't talk to me in person, won't stand in the same group as me or even attend the same event in some cases. I've received one postcard from him when he was abroad with my mother in Europe, signed "cordially" or something to that effect. Which is completely out of the blue considering all the rest of his behavior.

That brings us up to this week.

I got a text from "my dad" saying that he had a new phone and this was the number. I was surprised to hear from him, so I saved the number and texted back that I'd save it. I asked if he had received the letter I wrote to him a few months ago. This letter was 3 pages long, talking about what it was like when he was here for Gerrit's return and how disappointing his cutting me out of his life had been. No response to that text. 5 days later (which is today) I texted "Why send me your number if you're not going to respond when I text you?"

Come to find out, it was a "miscommunication". Since my father doesn't like doing things for himself, he had my mom set up his phone. I'm sure she programmed the numbers into the phone too. She texted us four kids from that phone with the new number, since my dad wouldn't have done it himself. I had thought he had texted me, but it was just my mom sharing his new phone number. He complained to her that I texted him, so my Mom left me a voicemail tonight explaining that it was her sending out the text and that he didn't actually mean to contact me. It was a "miscommunication". I don't fault my mother for anything in this scenario, because she did everything like a normal person would.

What gets me is that my father couldn't even handle me texting him. He couldn't deign to respond. Instead of saying "I got the letter", or "No, I didn't read it" or "It's good to hear from you" or "Long time no talk", he complains that I'm writing him. Instead of being happy that he's hearing from his son, he complains to my mother that I'm writing him at all. She calls to tell me it isn't actually him wanting to hear from me and it was her setting up the phone.

I honestly should have known better than to think my father wanted to hear from me. He couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge me when I came down to Salem for Gerrits reunion, and refused to go to the family dinner because I was there. He wouldn't come see my apt, take calls from me, respond to my email or my text. It must be so hard for him already having three children that he loves that acknowledging me is just too much of an effort. How terrible it must be that your child actually wants to talk to you and include you in their life. How distressing. That would mean *gasp* actually... admitting to others that you have another son and actually interacting with that person.

I'm so disappointed in him. When you are younger you think that your parents are the people that you can look up to for anything. You think that they're going to be there for you to rely on and that you can always come to them when you need help. Well, as it turns out, my mother is the only parent for me that lives up to that. I know that I can always talk to her about anything. I know she'll always be there for me. I know she loves me and I love her unconditionally. My father, on the other hand, has cut me out of his life. When he didn't like something about me (my being gay), he wrote me off. He tried. I went to therapy, they restricted what I did and the people I interacted with. They tried to pray it away. They tried to talk me out of it. But when that didn't work, only one parent still wanted something to do with me.

The ironic thing is that my father didn't have his dad around when he was growing up. His father left when my dad was around 2 (or somewhere in that range), and it took years to finally track him down when my dad was an adult. He always resented being rejected by his father. His mother and him had it hard, since she was taking care of him, her mother and herself. They didn't have a lot of money and were poor. Now, my parents have two houses and just got back from Europe. They're not rolling in beds made of money, but they live comfortable lives. My dad lifted himself out of poverty by working hard all through grad school to earn his doctorates. Both he and my mom worked very hard for what they've gotten. Though for the change that my dad has seen in how he lives, there's still something that's glaringly obvious to me: he's just repeating the same thing that happened to him. As cliche and predictable as it is, there's something that apparently he can't escape: generational abandonment. He might be better off than his parents were, but he can't escape that he's turned into his father in other ways.

To realize that is disappointing. When I know this has happened to two successive generations, it makes me question what kind of people they are. What kind of morals can they really have? When you toss aside the people that you should love unconditionally, who are you under it all? It's sad and disheartening that while I was raised to be proud of my lineage and family history, there's a simple phrase that encapsulates what my father has become:

A deadbeat dad.

Down 8 lbs This Month

I’m down 8 lbs so far this month! I started on the 29^th of April, so I guess I have a two day head start on the month. I feel good too; I don’t feel like I’m starving or anything like that. The only thing is that I’m eating mostly stir-fries because I don’t know a lot of vegan dishes. I am going to look up one this week and make it. Last night I cooked a huge stir fry with an entire head of cabbage as a base. I added in raisins, cilantro, pineapple, cashews, green onions, mushrooms and kale. After eating a bowl last night I still have enough for at least 6 meals. It’ll probably last me through this week.

If I keep losing at this rate I might be able to lose 16 lbs this month! My goal was 10, which I’ll easily get to. That’s only 2 more lbs, and I still have two weeks (plus a couple days) before the end of the month. I want to be back to my pre-winter weight by the time I go to Utah. That’s 17.6 lbs. Totally reasonable, considering we don’t leave until the 21^st. I have 5 weeks until then.

Overall, I want to lose 42.6 lbs, but the 17.6 will put me at a good place. 

Utah Tickets

We got our tickets for Utah! Robert and I will be flying down there April 21^st-25^th for my cousin Tasia’s wedding. I’m really looking forward to it! I’ll get to spend time with my mom, see friends, see family, and show Robert around. I’ll show him the temple grounds, maybe go shopping, go to a used bookstore in Bountiful that I like, wander downtown. The last few times that I’ve been to UT the sidewalk chalk festival was going on at the downtown outdoor mall, so I should check when that’s happening. There are some really talented people out there!

We’re staying with my mom, which makes sense money wise. No need to get a hotel if I have family there. My dad will be abroad in Europe, so I won’t be seeing him. Otherwise I wouldn’t be going, in all honesty. He cut me out of his life when he found out that Robert and I were living together. Not a peep from him since, even when he came up from Utah for my brother’s homecoming. So it’ll actually be enjoyable/possible with my father gone. I don’t know if Robert and I will have another chance of visiting my Mom in UT any time in the next long while.

I want to have some of the classic dinners from when I lived with my parents at our Salem house. Home-made pizza, shells and curry. Mmm. I miss my mom’s home-made cooking! It’s been a while since I’ve had it. The last time that I was there they were doing the diabetes cooking regimen for my dad, so there weren’t any of the classics. Of course we’ll go out for Thai food at least once, and then we’ll probably make no-bakes as well. They are the best cookies in the WORLD.

Erika will most likely come down from BYU-I and Gerrit said that he might visit from Stayton. Kurt has a camping trip with the priests quorum that he is serving with, so that interferes with UT plans. So a couple of siblings will be there, but even if it’s just Robert, my mom and me we’ll still have a good time. Cooking, see new things, board games, card games, etc.

I’m very much looking forward to it! Not only for the reasons listed above, but because vacations are nice. I will get to be away from work, out of my normal routine and have a break from stuff back in Portland. :D 

Halloween costume

I've found my Halloween costume! I'm excited because I think it's going to be perfect! I've decided to be Hermey from Rudolph. It's going to be cute because I have the blonde hair, plus it'll be funny since I'm 6'4'' and supposed to be an elf.

Now that my mom is down in Utah, she won't be able to make my costume this year. An awesome lady at work (Barb) and I are talking about her making me the costume, but I hate taking advantage of people and wouldn't want her to feel obligated/put out. If she does do it, I will treat her to dinner and bring her a snack at work. I don't know if it's tacky to offer money for doing that, so probably won't go that route.

Regardless of how it comes about, I think this is going to be the cutest thing ever. I am going to go to the dollar store and find toy pliers if I can (you know, because Hermey wants to be a dentist). I have real pliers, but that would just look creepy carrying those around.

Excited for this!

30.4 lbs down! I had wanted to be 30 lbs down by the time I went to Utah so that's perfect! I am hitting the gym today and tomorrow, and then on Tuesday I take off for 2.5 weeks. My goal is to not gain anything while I am in UT no holiday. There's no real reason to. Hopefully I can find a gym near by!

White Christmas

Looks like I will be spending Christmas in Utah. My parents said that they are flying me down there for the holidays, which I was pretty stoked to hear. I am not doing anything for Thanksgiving so it'll be nice to spend Christmas with the fam. Plus I will get to see my Utah friends, have a white Christmas, travel and break up the monotony of an Oregon winter. This is my hardest time to manage depression wise, so the trip will be a good break. I am going to need to map out a gym that's close to my parents house though because I want to be working out the whole time. Lately I've really been slacking at the gym and I've noticed it in my mood and my waistline. I'm starting a new exercise regimen today so that will get me on track.

Yay for traveling for the holidays!

House Hunting + Vaca

So the parentals have one more day of house hunting in front of them before they make their decision. Tomorrow is that final day that they are looking at the homes that are on the top of their list and making the final decision. I went house hunting with my mom and sister all today with my Aunt Angelina as our realtor. [Her website is here.] We looked at 8 different houses I think, but I really fell in love with one of them. It had Brazilian hardwood floors, 3 living rooms and 5 bedrooms. It's even bigger than the house that we have in Salem! Which is funny considering only Erika will be living with them. It was such a nice home and it was in a good neighborhood. I know that my Dad really has his heart set on another one that I've only seen the outside of. They are going to look at it again tomorrow, so hopefully I'll be able to go along and check out the inside of it. Everyone describes it as "really 70s", so I don't know how I feel about that. The one I saw today was very classy and spacious. The only thing that I would change is updating the kitchen. But that can be done after a bit. It just looks a smidge old. So I guess we shall see what's going to happen house wise.

In other news, I'm glad that I came down here to Utah. I always want to make the most of my vacations when I take them. I don't like to have tons of down time. So far I've seen Diana Ross in concert, playing Phase 10 with the cousins + Erika, gone to coffee and the mall with Gay @ BYU, had the MoHo Thai lunch and shopping that I wrote about earlier [here], visited with family, saw Uncle Jim and Aunt Linda's finished basement, got a new pair of pants and a ring, learned some about the geography of the valley here and house hunted. And I have plans tomorrow and on Friday as well. So I havent been lounging around.

Utah day 1

So I am in Utah staying at my aunts house with my sister Erika. My Mom, sister and I traveled down yesterday and got here late at night. Today was our first "real" day here and it was fun. I dropped Erika off at the BYU campus so she could visit her friend Casey and then I went to a Thai lunch with some MoHo friends.

We went to My Thai Asian Cuisine in Salt Lake and it was really good. For $10 I got a heaping plate of food that served as both my lunch and dinner. There were 9 of us MoHos there and it was a good group. For those with blogs, we had Scott, Warren, "Hope", "DarkDrearyWilderness" and "AKLDS". Afterward we headed to the Gateway mall and did some shopping and got Starbucks. Of course I got my tall Java Chip Frappuccino light, which means it only had 140 calories.

Between the Thai food and the shopping it was good meeting and catching up with a lot of MoHos. Funnily enough, I had only met Scott before and everyone else I was meeting for the first time in person. I had talked with most everyone online though at some point in time, so it was just like seeing friends again but just in a different dynamic.

After the mall I headed back to the BYU campus to pick Erika up which took an hour and we turned around to head right back to Aunt Lindas house. We settled our things and then took a 2.8 mile walk around the neighborhood. I found a neat way to map the amount of distance you are walking by putting it into gmap-pedometer.com. I saved that onto my favorites so I can easily tell what I am walking while outside. I want to walk more tonight, but it's pitch black out and I don't like walking in the dark. Tomorrow I am going to do that loop three times, so I will have walked almost 9 miles. Whoot.

Now it's bedtime. I had a party that I was invited to tonight but I am tired so Erika and I are unwinding at the house. Tomorrow I have walking in the morning, church at a German ward with my family at 1PM and then hanging out with my friend Taylor, which I am looking forward to. Should be a good day!

Weight

I'm down 21.2 lbs in the past 3 months (to the day)! I am way stoked! I really want to be at 25 before Utah, but I don't know if thats going to be able to happen since I leave on Friday. We shall see though!b

Diana Ross

Mi padre texted me today while I was at the gym telling me that he got me Diana Ross tickets for when I am on holiday in UT next week. The rest of the family is going as well. I am super excited! She is such an icon and legend in the music and entertainment industry. I am really looking forward to seeing her perform. It's on the 19th, so that's coming up here pretty soon.

Now I will have seen Britney Spears and Diana. What divas!

Things on my mind today:

- I'm almost half way done with 'Dude, You're A Fag' for my Gay Mens Portland Book Club group on the 10th. It's not a novel by any means. It's a study, so there is a lot of good information but I really feel like it's a book for a class at school. I would recommend it for someone doing a paper or project on masculinity but I would not recommend it as a read for the layperson. I would have put it down if it wasnt for the book club.

- Tomorrow I am starting to eat salad again. I used to hate it but I've discovered that spinach salads are something I can actually handle. I got no fat dressing (which was hard to find, believe me) so I can put some of that on without a problem. I'll add some low fat feta cheese as well for some protein. I was going to the gym every single day but when I took my trip to Salem to visit the family a few days ago I didnt go while I was down there. So tomorrow I am getting back on the wagon and doing a daily double at 24 HR fitness along with eating super healthy.

- Today being a holiday put a cramp in my plans. I couldnt fill my prescriptions at Target because they were closed, couldnt pick up the holds that I have at the library and couldnt go to the bank. But tomorrow I am going to do all of those along with dusting off all my books and cleaning my car so I will feel accomplished when they are finished.

- My phone is supposed to arrive tomorrow. I've been without one for 3 days now and I am excited to be getting another one. It had finally given up the ghost as it wouldnt take a charge anymore. They tested the battery and cords at TMobile and determined that it was the actual phone. When I tried to use my backup phone it wouldnt work for the first time for me either, so I took that as a sign and didnt try to get a spare from TMobile for the few days without one. They offered me an old one, but I didnt really want to bother with all that. When the new ones comes Ill just slip over my SIM card and then everything will be up and running again. At least I hope.That would really blow if my apps didnt go over and I had to redownload everything.

- I'm heading to Utah in less than two weeks. I'm going to be reading to and from there on the drive, so that will be good with my reading list. I'm going to need to get my plans in order once things get closer so that I wont have a ton of down time. Though Erika and I will be spending the night at my Aunt Lindas house so we can play games and such there. I've organized a MoHo lunch (Thai, of course) and am hanging out with a few different friends, including Gay @ BYU.

Utah Weights Woes

I'm a little nervous about going to Utah. Mostly excited. But apprehensive because I know that people are going to notice that I am (a lot) heavier than I was when I went down there two summers ago. The irony is that when I went down the last time I was in a state of chagrin to go since I thought I was too heavy at that point in time. Oh to be the size of when I thought I was fat before... haha

I am sure that everyone is going to be nice about it. I saw my Aunt Sariah yesterday and she said "You've put on weight. You look so much better now that youve put on some weight!" and my Grandfather told me that "You keep getting bigger!" but I think that was more to do with how he talks to the grandchildren he hasnt seen in a long time.

I dont want to go to Utah and have everyone know how big I've gotten. But that shouldnt really matter. Weight doesnt determine who we are and the only person that should be worrying about it is me. My Mom told me that people are still of the same worth regardless of their weight. If I came home and she was 5 lbs heavier, would I love her less? Absolutely not. Thats something that I need to remember. This weight does not define me and it is not indicative of who I am.

I just dont want people to mention my weight at all. I think its rude and crass and none of their business. I obviously have some issues with how I think other people perceive me.

When Aunt Sariah said that, I didnt take offense to it. I didnt think it was polite but she meant it out of good intention by telling me that I look good. It would have been an entirely different experience all together if she had just said "oh, you've gained weight' offhandedly. That I would be somewhat less than amused at.

I know this is me being jittery. I need to remind myself that this is a vacation to have fun on and relax. Other people are probably not tracking what I eat while I am there and they might not even notice how much I've gained. We shall see!

Kurt and Em signed for an apt today! That's really exciting. Everyones moving! Pap is already down in Utah and Kurt is moving out to Stayton here in the next little bit. Then Mom is moving as soon as the house sells. The appraiser comes this week so they are making a list of everything that needs to be done.

In other news, theres only a week left of the term. I am way happy about that! I think I am going to do an accelerated summer class which is only one week for 4 psychology credits. Not bad at all, especially considering its an upper division course. I am officially a senior credit wise, but I will feel like one when this term gets over. Just one more year left until my BS!

Today I got to come down and spend the evening with mi madre in Salem. My Dad arrived in Utah today so it was just my Mom and I hanging out. We watched Harry Potter 4, played Racco and then made no-bake cookies. Of course we talked the entire time and it was really nice to see her. I am going to be really sad when I cant come down and see her anymore after she moves. We are going to go to Thai (surprise, surprise) tomorrow for lunch. You can never go wrong with a good Thai meal!

Parentals moving

So the good news keeps on coming this week. I'm being facetious when I say that, although it is good news is some respects.

My Dad got a job at the family history center in Salt Lake with the Church. He moves *drumroll* at the end of this month on the 29th. Thats only a few weeks away! My Mom is going to stay back in Salem until the house is sold and then she will be following him down there.

I know that this is good news because my Dad has gotten a job that he's always wanted. The part that is bad news is that I am a little selfish and don't want my Mom to move away. I won't be able to come down and see her anymore and go out to our fav Thai place. Or come down and do crafts for a weekend. I know SLC isn't like Zimbabwe. I'll be able to come down and visit and I'm sure that she will come up from time to time. It's just that its a pretty major change and the house in Salem is the one that I've really grown up in. And I personally would not like to live in Utah. I think anyone that knows me would know that right off the bat. I am liberal and progressive and I would not mesh well there.

My Mom is one of 14 and 8 of her siblings live down there, plus her parents as well. So my Mom will be surrounded by a lot of her family. Immediate family wise, I will stay in Portland and Kurt is moving out to Stayton (just a bit outside of Salem in Oregon) to be with Emily. Gerrit is on his mission and then Erika is at BYU so when she gets home from school she will be going to Utah. So just my parents and Erika will actually make the move there.

I'm happy for them but sad I wont be close anymore. Big changes happening!

Summer Plans

I am really looking forward to this summer! I have a lot of things coming up, including a lot of traveling.

Travel plans:

Utah: June 18th-22nd [with Mom]
Las Vegas: July 8th-11th [for Katy's birthday. We are going to party it up!]
NYC: July 21st-28th [with Kelsey, Caitlin and Horizon]

Events:

Kurt's wedding: June 24th
Britney Spears Concert: June 28th

Plus I can't wait to lay out by my pool and tan and read. That's probably one of my favorite activities in the world. Plus there are beach trips in my future as well. :)